Even my booty call doesn’t show up

It's 11:31. Thursday night. The night I planned to have one of my first booty call experiences. As a novice, perhaps I am not giving my caller a fair chance. She's busy, she's getting ready, she's sleeping, she's reading… who knows. I could be so far behind the times of bootycall that, in fact, I am a grandma receiver. But still! It's almost midnight and jobless or not, this lady has things to do tomorrow! I deserve a text of some sort to say “hey whats up, I can’t fuck tonight, sorry you got your pussy waxed a day early. Maybe next time? Xx” YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. I got my pussy waxed a day early and did not end up with the worm…or fingers. So what am I left with, you ask? A two dollar bottle of Shiraz from Trader Joe’s, tights with brown cowboy boots and my flannel nighty. I'm not willing to strip the boots till it's actually tomorrow…12 a.m.

I just googled booty call (to see if it’s one word or a hypen or just two distinct words) and came across three intriguing webpages: onelinebootycall.com, “booty call” – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, and imdb’s “Booty Call (1997).” The first expresses an ability to help you “meet your mate today!” I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, booty call meant fuck buddy. If we skip to the second website, the favored, always correct Wikipedia, it clearly states that this “telephone call is made with the sole intent of arranging a meeting for sexual acts with the person being contacted”. So no, no, no, no, no, onlinebootycall.com, I do not want a partner in life. This is not JDate. This is purely “I’m horny, you’re horny….wanna fuck?” LADIES AND GENTELMEN a quick interruption: it is now midnight. I will be removing my boots and making my way to the fridge for fresh strawberries. (Yes, I live in LA. Ben and Jerry's is only acceptable once a month and I used my get out of jail free card two nights ago). The extent of which I’ll go into the third website can be seen below… it clearly states what I’m not hittin’ tonight.




Pushing the humiliation aside, the worst part is she happens to be a friend. What happens next time the good ole college crew hangs out? Will there be tension? Will we make out again and plan yet another sexcapade that amounts to nothing?

I can’t be accountable for my words or actions right now, the bottle of wine is almost empty and I am its sole devourer. I guess I shrug it off and say, "to the wind!"; no place for flakes in my house, I have a rabbit that holds a steady key to my lock! Thank god this bottle of wine only cost two dollars.

One last note: under the “See also” section for booty call (on Wikipedia) it links to “drunk dialing”. This is what I need to refrain from doing right now.